I have received a lot of questions regarding how and why I discipline and punish my husband and I find it quite difficult to express myself precise enough in English. To explain a bit better I reblog an article about the subject written by Professional Disciplinarian & Spankologist, Harriet Marwood. I found the article over at Cane-Iac.
Training Your Man - The Feminine Side of Spanking
I guess this is simply an article about spanking, since the woman’s point of view is all I can ever speak from no matter what I’m writing about. But there does seem to be a difference between the way men and women relate to spanking. As with just about everything else, for men, spanking triggers the erotic urges, even if starts as true discipline. Women spank for lots of different reasons that might often include an erotic element but can also be completely devoid of it.
Being a professional disciplinarian I do a lot of spanking. A lot. Once in awhile I do find it titillating but most of the time gratification comes in seeing unruly “boys” knuckle under and admit their deficits and promise to follow my wise dictates. The power of driving my point home through embarrassment and pain is very satisfying. I guess my mother was right when she told me that when I grew I’d understand that discipline is love.
If all women understood how much power they could have by disciplining their man perhaps spanking would become not only mainstream but commonplace in modern relationships. I have not found one single client who, when I bark at them about how easily distracted men are… how they all seem to require a regular refocusing of attention, did not instantly agree to this truth. Ladies, men need to be trained. You know it, and what’s most surprising, they know it too! And if you do it properly, most actually like it and are much happier falling into more positive and productive behaviors. They also seem to thrive in a system of deterrents and rewards… and in the certainty they can have when they know the boundaries of the world they share with us. As you know, few men can fathom our thinking and are constantly surprised by our expectations of them. They are continually surprised at our anger and frustration at them. As obvious as it may seem to us, they usually don’t understand why they are always getting taken to task, even the best of relationships.
Behavior modification can work extremely well in teaching your man exactly what makes you happy so there is no doubt, no grey area. No room for error. Spanking can be a very clear cut — not to mention exciting way to administer that behavior modification. The best way to implement this is to find a time when you and your man are relaxed and congenial, sit him down and tell him your plan to begin training him, laying down the structure of this plan in a simple straightforward way. Men do not respond well to complicated or convoluted constructs. You can even include rewards as well as punishments. (Only the two of you know what rewards will motivate.) However, the important thing is that there are consistent and unpleasant spanking consequences for breaching the expectations you set up.
For example, if you have repeatedly told your partner you’d like certain specific demonstrations of affection to occur regularly – or even just on occasion – in order to ensure that YOU feel inspired to have plenty of sex play, but he gets lazier and lazier about that, well, write that down on your short list. If you need a fair amount of his participation in the household chores, list exactly what they are and how often his help is needed. Clearly defined, specifically delineated actions are essential. It must be measurable, to be fair. Men don’t do well with hints and vagaries. He needs to know when he’s gotten the job done. Or not. And then… And here’s the most important thing: TOTAL CONSISENCY. Just like training a puppy, when the rules are broken, punishment must be administered as soon as possible. The further the punishment is (in time) from the bad act, the weaker the association and the slower the improvement.
Next thing, the spanking has to be uncomfortable. You have to create consequences harsh enough so that he takes you seriously. A few timid love taps won’t do it. If you’re going to take this on you have to be ready to deliver the goods! If it helps you in committing to it, just know it really IS for his own good. When he knows he can’t get away with pushing and testing you, he’ll start paying attention and you’ll be surprised how capable he actually is at comprehending your demands AND remembering them. Of course he is. He has a job, right? And he could never get away with being a slacker there. But men are a lot like dogs. Left to their own devices, they like to lie around, lick their balls and eat. But if you round them up and take them outside and throw the ball, they can’t resist chasing it, have a great time doing it, and feel much better after being put through their paces. Don’t be afraid to put your man through his paces. He can handle it.
If your man is already a spanking enthusiast, half your battle is done. If you’re a novice, however, you may feel self-conscious or hesitant. Being amenable to spanking, I’m sure he’ll be willing to practice with you before you start your “curriculum” to make sure you know how to swing a belt, hairbrush or paddle effectively and safely. Remember, you don’t want to strike too far above the ass crack, so as to avoid the vulnerable kidney area. That can be hazardous to his health. BUT… here’s something he may not want you to know: it stings like a sonofabitch if you land a few hard smacks to the back of his thighs. So if you need to get him take you seriously, try that a time or two!
After you inform him that there’s a new sheriff in town and she has new no-nonsense approach to things in the household, you must provide him with clearly stated rules of expectations, infractions and consequences. My suggestion is to start with consequences that will make him uncomfortable, but leave room to escalate if after his first few punishments he has not gotten with the program. He has to know that things can always get worse. And as I said, you must be consistent. To be clear, here’s a mock scenario.
Hubby works hard but so do you. He doesn’t mean to be selfish at home but he’s just oblivious. You’ve told him 100 times to throw his clothes in the hamper, rinse his random glasses or dishes and stick them in the dishwasher. You’ve asked him to call you before leaving work to see if you need him to pick up anything. And so on. Yet day after day, it’s like you’ve never mentioned these things before. Now you make a list. Best to keep it short. No more than 10 items. Instead of punishing for every little thing, you decide to use the demerit system. Everything on the list has a points value according to how important each item is to you. Not picking up dirty clothes earns him 3 demerits each time, while not putting dishes in the dishwasher earns him 5 points. When he’s accumulated 20 points (or 30, 40, 50, depending upon how frequent an offender he may be) he is informed there will be a spanking when he gets home.
When he arrives, there is no delay. You take his coat, march him into the room and demand that he drop trow. Make him grab his knees… Bend him over the bed… have a straight-backed chair sitting there and pull him over your lap. Whatever is appropriate – or suitably humiliating as the case may be. You deliver your spanks with commitment, as hard as hubby can handle. Use your hand, a hairbrush, his belt, whatever you feel inclined to do, but I suggest that for a punishment spanking (rather than a recreational one) you do NOT give him a warm-up. Just have at it!
You can set a predetermined number for each point value, or you can agree that you will give him whatever you feel like giving him according to how much his neglectfulness has displeased you. I promise that if you maintain complete consistency with this program, and you trust that he’s sturdy enough to handle a hard enough spanking to redden his cheeks and make him squirm, your message will start getting through. But the trick is, you must continue the punishment until he has demonstrated that he wants it to stop. And then he must (a) apologize and, most importantly, (b) articulate exactly what it was he did wrong and/or exactly what he needs to do going forward to satisfy you enough to stop spanking here and now.
Some people with low pain tolerance will respond with punishment that calls for a designated number of spanks per infraction. People with a higher threshold usually require that you punish them till they start acting contrite and/or plead for you stop. It is often not until this point that a man starts to release his defenses (or his cockiness) sufficiently to admit to himself that he really did do wrong and should admit to you that he knows what his faults were.
You need to develop a style that works for all concerned. It can be effective to put him in a room alone for a goodly amount of time to ponder and dread what’s coming to him. Fretting over when it will finally begin. Some people prefer to leave the naughty boy in a room alone afterwards, devoid of stimulation (no computer, TV, stereo, work product – the bathroom can be perfect for this) to think about what he’s learned. Some prefer to comfort or caress the punished person, letting them feel that they’ve paid for their crimes and all is forgiven if he shows improvement. Whatever ideas germinate, try them. See what works best. This is just a jumping off point to get your imagination churning.
The thing to keep in mind, ladies, is that men want your approval. It’s kind of engrained in them since childhood. Also, spanking is a form of attention and everybody likes attention. If you do it sincerely and seriously, your man will take you seriously and submit to his fate, because deep down he knows he brought this on himself. Oftentimes, men repress the fact that they’re fucking up so they don’t have to deal with the conflict it engenders in their conscience, but they know on some level that they’re guilty of bad behavior. These men can actually derive satisfaction from being punished. It relieves stress and guilt and allows them to delete these conflicted “files” off their mind’s database. Men like things to tally up. Whether it’s conscious or not.
Last but not least, whether you start out with a guy who is already predisposed to spanking or not, any form of intimate contact is usually arousing or stimulating to men. So often a discipline program like this can re-kindle some sparks that have fizzled due to the demands of routine and overly busy lives, which most of us seem to have. When you carve out half an hour once a week or twice a month to call your man out for his neglectfulness, you create an opportunity for putting attention on one another that will frequently otherwise fall through the cracks into oblivion. It often generates more closeness and even more erotic fun. Not to mention creating a situation where increased communication arises organically, since there you are – face to face with no other distractions for a few minutes.
One caveat here: since spanking CAN be erotic, especially for the man, if you are really angry at him, command that he go in the bathroom and sexually “relieve himself” BEFORE the spanking begins. This will make it hurt more when it does occur, trust me!
In conclusion, I cannot stress enough to you ladies what an opportunity you have here to train your man to make you happy. ESPECIALLY, if your man is already a Spanko. He will be like an eager puppy if you announce that the rules are changing and you’re taking charge! Once you get him in line with the issues of general courtesy and household lifestyle participation, you can move to areas like romance, ways of sexually pleasing you, acknowledging special occasions by actually remembering what kind gifts will thrill and delight you. The list of things he can do for you is limited only by your imagination… Men like to please their women; we are just too damn confusing to them for them to figure out what the hell we want. That is why almost all of them respond to training. And once schooled, they are usually quite pleased with themselves when they get the job done. So remember now and then to give him a nice treat for his efforts. Just like a good little puppy.
And remember, the lovely people at this website have provided you with an extensive catalog of fine quality, affordable toys to keep your training program effective. I have many of them in my own collection, so I can guarantee that! Now go and play safely.
Harriet Marwood, Spankologist